5 Reasons not to go running

I recently wrote a post about 6 reasons to get into running.

The lovely One Dot Short of a Smarties Box pointed out that I made it sound like “those of us in the latter category have some puzzling glitch that needs to be fixed”. Sorry!

So here’s a list of reasons not to go running.

1. Feet

Feet are icky at the best of times. Runners feet are much much worse!

The blisters, the soggy skin, the peely bits, the tough heels, the toe nails. Oh the toe nails are the worst. The blisters under the toe nails. Ewwwww.

When you tie your shoes a tiny bit tighter than usual or your feet get a bit hotter than usual and swell up so that your shoes are too tight and your toes start to tingle with pins and needles while you’re running.

You stop wearing nail varnish on your feet because there’s no point, it’ll chip, rub or peel off in no time.

When you get a hawthorn thorn in the sole of your running shoe, it just pierces the sole and you feel it prickle the underside of your foot, finish your run and discover you’re bleeding but don’t realise why. Next run it prickles again and you investigate, loose 10 mins trying to pick it out with your fingernails. Bugger.

When the weather’s not good, your feet get wet and cold. You can’t feel your toes and all the usual footy nastiness is worse.

If you don’t want disgusting feet, don’t got running.

2. Expense

“Running is the only sport that’s pretty much free” say the running wankers!

We lied.

Yeah, so all you need to shoes? Well my running bug symptoms would tend to disprove that. Over the almost-three-years that I’ve been running, I’ve bought or received as gifts all this gear and more:

Six pairs of running shoes (only one pair was less than £50), books on running, an expensive Garmin watch, many buffs, a cap, sunglasses, two sets of headphones, a camel back rucksack, 3 water bottles, SealSkinz socks, countless other socks, numerous pairs of leggings and shorts for all weathers, same with tee shirts, vests, long sleeves, a special waterproof, sports bras (4 all the same), gloves, arm pouch for phone, two waist bands for for phone, keys, etc, several branded hoodies from running groups, three knee supports and a subscription to Strava.

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We also own a treadmill but that’s nothing to do with me. I hate it, it is an implement of torture. That’s himself’s choice of pain infliction (he likes it, he watches TV series while running).

See, not free at all. Very expensive.

If you don’t want to spend all that money, don’t go running.

3. Wankeriness

Yeah. I’m definitely victim to being a running wanker. Himself agrees.

Running wankers talk about running, post about running, think about running a lot, prioritise running above other things that ought to be important, wear running kit outside the time when they’re actually running, wear running-related clothes when not about to run, own multiple tee shirts about running (that aren’t actually suitable for running in), and write blog posts and memes about why running is awesome.

If you don’t want to be a running wanker like me, don’t go running.

4. Knees

When you aren’t obsessing about your feet, you’re worrying about your knees (or ankles or back or whatever secondary niggle you suffer from). Every twinge in your knee raises your anxiety – have you injured yourself? are you going to have to (OMG, the horrors) “take it easy” for a bit?

You invest in supports when you have hurt it, to make it be better faster! More supports (light and stronger) for actually running, so that you can keep going. You have special gel to rub into your knees.

But your knees creak and tweak and have the odd spikey feeling in them. One occasionally attempts to give way in the first 50m but then always sorts itself out. You moan and groan like an old person when you get up. After a long run you rub in the gel and take ibuprofen before even trying to sleep, otherwise you know you’ll wake up stiff and sore.

If you don’t want sore knees and so on, don’t go running.

4. Weather

When you aren’t planning running routes, admiring other people’s shoes or comparing your Strava segments, you’re preoccupied by the weather. Then, you don’t really care about the weather any more. You run when it’s hot, when it’s cold or raining or snowing. Hailing, maybe not. You run through floods and heatwaves.

It’s all very unpleasant. Don’t do that.

If you don’t want to worry about all the weather and the perfect time each day to leave the house, don’t go running.

5. Running prevention anxiety

You live in fear of injury (to feet, knees, whatever) and illness. Anything that stops you running is a bad thing. You take your running kit on holiday and you use it. You take your running kit on trips to work and you use it. Your running interrupts other things – like family trips or work. You block time out of your work calendar to make sure you get out for a run every couple of days.

When you can’t run, you worry about how long it’s been and how hard it’s going to be to get back out there. How long it’s going to take to get your form back to where it was.

If you don’t want another reason to be anxious about something, don’t go running.

Don’t go running

See, going running is a bad bad idea.

Unless none of those things bother you. In which case, you might want to get into running. Sorry, I think I just undermined my message there One Dot Short, I can’t help it.

My name is Smell and I’m a running wanker.