Caption "Lessons in Loss" above clouds low in the sky at sunset
Lessons in Loss

Lessons in Loss 19: Virginity

I think about loss from time to time, as you probably know if you’re a regular reader over here. I’ve discussed recovery from loss of a baby and other people’s reactions. But, we don’t only struggle or grieve over the loss of a person – whether they were fully-formed or not. Sometimes loss is part of growing into the person we have become, sometimes it leaves us feeling like something’s fundamentally missing, sometimes we can’t remember what it was like before we lost whatever it was. In this series of posts, I’ve asked some of my favourite blogging colleagues to write about a loss that they’ve experienced and how it affected them. You can find the full list here.

I don’t really remember how I came across Rachel’s blog at Musings of the Mind. Rachel is from Trinidad and Tobago, a far flung distant dream for me. But that distance represents, to me at least, the real value in blogging – bringing together people from all over the world who wouldn’t otherwise meet. Rachel uses her blog just for fun (like me), and to share her personal experiences, which are so relatable. I totally love Rachel’s instagram feed, it’s crammed with fantastic inspirational quotes (not usually my thing).

You can find Rachel on Instagram rachel_ramdhan, Facebook rachramdhan, and Twitter @MusingsotMind


First I want to say thank you to Smelly Socks and Garden Peas for having me as part of her Lessons in Loss series.

This post is long overdue and I’ve spent the last three months wondering how am I even going to start this blog post especially considering that I write under my real name.

I grew up in a conservative household in a conservative society and by extension country. Despite certain aspects of our culture alluding to an embracing of sexuality and sex, the reality is a stark contrast. Regardless of how open we think we are as a society, sex is still very much taboo. It was drilled into me from a very young age that pre-marital sex is wrong and sex should only be enjoyed within the confines of a marriage.

Even though I wanted to wait until marriage, I knew that the chances of that happening were low. There were no lack of opportunities to lose my virginity but part of me never felt ready and it never felt right. I wasn’t sure how long I’d have to wait or how I would even know that I was ready or this guy would be “the one”. The only thing I was certain of was mentally and emotionally, despite whatever the lustful part of me was thinking, I was not ready.

I made the choice to listen to my inner voice saying to wait. I waited straight up till I was almost twenty-six. I waited until I met the man who made my ‘no’ change to a ‘yes’ without any pressure, rush, or coercion. I waited until I met the man I was one hundred percent sure about. I waited until I met the man who respected me and my decision and his actions met it.

Up to this day I can never fully explain what made my inner voice switch from ‘I’m not ready’ to ‘I am ready’. But all I knew is that whatever internal fears and uncertainty I had, they disappeared with him. I felt comfortable and safe in his presence – I was ready. There was no second guessing.

Losing my virginity was a painful first venture but patience, taking things slowly, and a few words of advice actually helped.

When I saw the blood on the sheets I went into a bit of a shock like this really happened, I am no longer a virgin. For some time I felt like I lost part of myself, my identity because my virginity was something I held on to for so long. Gradually I was able to overcome that feeling of loss. Even though I thought and slightly feared that I’d experience regret and guilt in losing my virginity, it never occurred.

What are my take away lessons from losing my virginity?

  1. Listening to your gut instinct is crucial.
  2. You will know when the time is right. Trust that you will know the time is right.
  3. If they truly respect you, they will not pressure you to do something you are not comfortable doing.
  4. If you are an older virgin for whatever reason, there is no reason to feel ashamed. Refer to point two.
  5. Whether you chose to wait till you are married or not, it does not matter. Do not let anyone shame you for your choice.
  6. Do whatever makes YOU comfortable, makes YOU feel good, makes YOU feel happy.

It was truly a pleasure to share this aspect of my life with you guys. And for any of you who are wondering what happened to the man I lost my virginity to – he is now my husband.

If you enjoyed my post, please feel free to check out my blog, Musings of the Mind. Also alerts for my new blog posts and more are posted on my Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter weekly so make sure to subscribe, follow, and like!

Thank you

Thank you so much for sharing Rachel.

Love from Smell xxx

5 thoughts on “Lessons in Loss 19: Virginity”

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