Children, Family, Friends, Miscarriage, Writing

Any advice for entering a new phase?

I can’t even figure out what to call this post, I’ll come back to it. [I came back to it and titled it with my final thought.]

So I started my blog a bit over two years ago, to have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings that I’m not comfortable sharing in real life. Particularly the way I feel as I recover from losing our third son midway through pregnancy. While I still write about those things from time to time, it’s definitely got less.

That’s probably largely because I have been slowly recovering, in general I’m doing well. But also because I’ve been sucked into blogging; the conversations, the community and also the promotional side. That means I plan (sort of) my posts and write a day or two in advance. I’m posting less too, as I felt I was spending too much time blogging and was missing out on time I should be spending with the boys.

What all that comes down to is that I feel I’ve lost my spontaneity. Which defeats my purpose of setting up a blog in the first place.

So something’s been brewing in my emotions for a few weeks and it’s reaching the surface. I’m probably going to need a good cry sometime.

No more babies

That’s not news is it?

I know, himself knows, our parents and children know. There will be no more babies for me. Himself had the snip, it’s just not possible anymore. And it’s not sensible either. I know I would be an emotional, anxious wreck and would need plenty of medical care to prevent my incompetent cervix betraying me again.

But that’s just my rational self.

Emotionally, I would still love another baby in the house.

But recently, we had a massive clear out and sold many many baby bits at car boots and online. The walkers, the gym, the travel cot are all gone. Sold. We won’t ever need them again. I was ready. I thought I was ready. Now they’re gone and knowing they aren’t in the house just hammers home that there won’t be any more babies.

I haven’t been through all the baby clothes yet. I know I’m not ready for that. I kept some bits of the older clothes, my favourites and I’ll need to choose which baby bits to keep. Himself would happily just clear it all out, he’s not attached to the objects. But he’s giving me all the space and time I need.

As small boy gets bigger, he’s year 2 and will be 7 before this school year ends, the idea of another baby isn’t just impossible, it would be impractical too. Large boy is almost 10 and on the cusp of tweendom. Life is about to enter another phase for us, a step towards life before kids where we can stay out late, eat dinner later, do more adventurous things. Another baby would be a reset back to sleepless nights and vomit and slings and fights about food and potty training and toddler tantrums. We’re done with that.

Except there remains an allure of a baby kicking in my tummy, of that milky smell, midnight cuddles, no backchat, wonderful discoveries of walking and talking and joy in the tiny things.

It’s time though, now, for me to draw a line under that part of my life. Just as my childhood ended sometime in the early 1990s and my “young person” phase ended probably during my year living in Strasbourg as I discovered real independence and self-sufficiency, finding pleasure in my own company. Then adulthood came along and eventually “parent of small children”. I don’t think that label belongs to me anymore, and that makes me sad.

It’s time to graduate to “parent of middle-size children” – they aren’t “older”, yet. It feels a bit odd and I feel all at sea. I had got the hang of small children, I felt like I often knew what I was doing. This business of moodiness and grown up talk with large boy is all new. Whether he’s watching Bake Off live or explaining what his home will be like when he’s an adult, there’s no getting away from the fact that he’s no longer dedicated living at home forever. My closest mummy friends I met when small boy was a baby and they don’t have older children. A few other friends have older children who have already passed through this phase. I feel like I’m the only one out of our mummy group who’s going through this transition at the moment – I’m not close with the mum’s of the kids in his class, unfortunately.

Yeah, so that’s about the end of my rambling, stream of consciousness, back to my original blogging purpose post.

Any advice? Anyone?

Love from Smell xxx

20 thoughts on “Any advice for entering a new phase?”

  1. I am so sorry for your loss ❤️💔❤️

    This post is so honest and relatable. We are currently deciding, when & if to have another child. It took a lot out of me physically & mentally with our first. It’s hard.

    I haven’t yet experienced the older children stage yet, but I feel like it would be difficult to know the baby stage has gone by 😢

    You sound like you’re doing all the right things to move on slowly and each of these feelings will be exactly what all us mums go through. It’s normal.

    This post will certainly help others. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Honestly, it sounds as if you’re doing exactly the right thing as you transition into a new phase. All the questions and feelings you have around it are as it should be; while it can feel chaotic, frustrating or alarming to not quite know where things are heading or what you want out of this time, that’s the part you have to embrace. I don’t have children so my advice may well be moot, but I have had to become okay with the fact that having a child is no longer an option, it just wasn’t meant to be (and that hurts — a lot) so I’m trying to embrace this new phase of acceptance. Hope that helps?!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My humble advice would be to continue to plan and Erie on decided topics, but allow yourself to journal/free write at least one day a week. I did a whole planned piece on divorcing a narcissist but in the midst of my planned piece I wrote the Unexpected Curve Ball. Sure one is more organized thought and I’m being honest, but to the point the other one is working through fear over sudden scary news that was written in an anxious mess. Also I’ve fell in love with Canva an app for creating digital art. It allows me write snippets each day and use colors and images, but most importantly if I have a thought or a lesson I make one if I want to. I can post them through out my blog pieces as they are relevant or on social media. I feel it fits both creativity, writing and free thought together and still allows me to worry with presentation on my planned pieces. ❤️ I love your blog!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yeah I get it. My kids are 5 and 1 and it is sad to think there might be no more babies. However hard the baby stage is, there is definitely something great about having a baby, holding a baby, carrying a baby inside your uterus..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Also I did love that for even a minute I could leave them and come back and they were still relatively in the same spot. I miss the cute sayings and funny ad lib. I have teenagers and preteens now! Enjoy it like with my threefold is tictok, trauma talk, and teenage tantrums! 😂

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  5. You will find a way to embrace the next phase with the same wisdom, grace and humour as you have all the others. It just takes time. I recently had to update my blog bio to say “mom of two young adult daughters”. That feels weird!

    On the weekend, we met our new great-niece for the first time. I do miss the baby days, and the toddler days, and the elementary school days, and in some ways, even the stroppy teenage days. But, every phase is different and an opportunity for new learning and a new adventure. You will find your path.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Oh them days… thanks be been through it twice with my 2 older girls. Little lad is next. If you want some advice…. Run away! Ha ha have a read of my blog and you’ll see what’s to come. ‘Tweendom’ is a good phase! (I say that while I snigger)

    Mrs F and I can no longer have kids. I too had the snip, and for mrs F to have another would likely be life threatening, after our last ordeal we had when the youngest was born.

    Good luck Smell!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks dude. I’m kind of burying my head in the sand about this tween business just now. I haven’t written about the details of boy3’s too-early birth, but suffice to say if he hadn’t been born the consequences for us both would have been much worse too.

      Liked by 1 person

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