Coming back to myself

cherry blossom, miscarriage, memorial tree

Last June my lovely friends bought me a small cherry tree, at around the time that boy3 was due to be born. I don’t know what word to use for it, it’s not a memorial or a reminder or a memento. I talked about it a bit in C Day.

At the time it made me feel awkward. Although I was not as deep in grief as I had been 4 months earlier, our loss was still raw enough that I didn’t particularly want to be faced with a view of the tree everytime I looked out of the kitchen window. Initially I put it to the aside of the patio, then with the autumn storms, I wedged it against the fence with other pots so it didn’t get blown over.

The tree has been in bud for a couple of weeks, but today it has its first blossoms just starting to open.

It’s like a metaphor for how I’m coping. Instead of turning away and avoiding looking at my tree, today those tiny white flowers made me smile. Tinged with a pang of sadness, but a smile nevertheless. Those flowers are a reminder of our loss, but also our strength and love and how we’re just right as we are. A family of four.

In the 10 months I’ve had the tree my life hasn’t changed much. But how I’m living it has. I’ve come a long way back to myself. I’ll never be the person I was before boy3 and that’s ok. I’m a different me, but with a large part of the old me from before, with a positive outlook and general cheerfulness.

15 thoughts on “Coming back to myself

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a child too, so I understand that heartache. I feel like your tree is a sign of moving forward for you. You will never forget your grief, but you can still find peace along the way. Best wishes to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. While I don’t know what you’re going through, I have a similar thing in honour of my parents! I’d love to plan a little cherry tree since both of them loved nature! You are incredible so big hugs! (Love your blog name btw! xD)

    Daisy xoxo | TheDeeWhoLived

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is a lovely thing now. Initially it was too much, but now it’s perfect. I would definitely recommend it to you to remember your parents. Sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine that. X

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  3. I think it is good to wobble now and then and know that the little things, like fruit trees and sunshine, are waiting for you to help you smile. I love this little muse on coming back to yourself with acceptance. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It is nice to have something visual and physical that you can focus your thoughts on. You are amazing and strong, even in those moments you will have a wobble, you are. Hugs and love always xx

    Liked by 1 person

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